10 Tips for Getting Healthcare as a Chronically Ill American Woman

Are you a woman in America with a chronic illness? Do you want to get appropriate medical care to diagnose and properly treat it? Follow these 10 simple tips and you too can get adequate healthcare!

1.) Have decent health insurance. Or at least SOME health insurance. If you don’t have any, don’t even bother. What are you thinking? Healthcare in America is only for those who can pay.

2.) Dress like a respectable middle-class professional when you go to a doctor, especially a new doctor. Especially if you’re not one. Trust me, you’ll be treated a million times better than if you show up in mom jeans and a t-shirt, or God forbid, sweatpants like you just rolled out of bed in the trailer park. What are you thinking, plebe? Go home! There’s nothing wrong with you but laziness. (Note: this is especially true if you’re a POC and/or going to the ER.)

3.) Never, ever take your children with you. Don’t even mention them. Or you’ll hear things like “It’s just because you’re a mom. Get some rest and you’ll feel better.” My personal favorite? “This little one’s only a couple of months old. It’s just postpartum depression. It’ll clear up in a few months.” That one was from a woman doctor, no less. Oh yeah, and my kid’s adopted! (Three weeks later, I nearly died and landed in the hospital. Thanks, Doc!)

4.) Overweight? Hide it. Wear clothes that slim you down. Better yet, don’t be overweight, because the first thing they’re going to say is “This is just due to your weight. Lose some weight and you’ll feel much better about yourself and your body. I’m sure the joint pain/asthma/other shit that has nothing whatsoever to do with YOUR weight will miraculously get better too.”

5.) Don’t be too skinny either, or they’ll tell you that you need to eat better and gain some weight to feel good!

6.) Refuse any and all prescription painkillers vocally, repeatedly, and before they’re offered because you “don’t want anything addictive” or “don’t want anything that will cloud your mind.” Do this no matter how much pain you’re in. This will head off all accusations that you’re a pill seeker or an addict. Because they’re coming, even if your issue doesn’t cause pain. (Note: this doesn’t apply to things like accidents or kidney stones. Usually.)

7.) Don’t have any mental health issues. My sister from another mother, who’s got bipolar disorder, calls this the “This one’s crazy” dismissal. Out of control blood sugar? Serious GI issues? High blood pressure? “Your mental health meds must be off; take this tranquilizer and a nap.”

8.) Is your illness making it hard to work? Don’t complain about it. They’ll decide you’re “lazy” or a “pill seeker” or “depressed” or maybe “seeking a disability claim,” as if anyone in their right mind wants to live on $917 a month. Speaking of disability, though, if there’s any chance your unknown illness might be progressive and make you disabled, start collecting documentation now so you have a stack the size of the Encyclopedia Britannica when you go to court. Otherwise, it’s even odds whether it’ll go through or the judge tells you that “laziness” or “obesity” is not a disability and dismisses your case.

9.) Be prepared to switch doctors a lot. And to ask for what you need. You’re going to want -no, need -to become an expert in your symptoms and any diagnoses and be prepared with stacks of studies to back up your claim that you need a simple blood test. And be patient; as a woman, it’s probably going to take you several years longer than a man to get an accurate diagnosis. Sometimes as long as 10 years. Then you get to fight for proper treatment. Yay!

10.) Fuck it, just become a man. It’ll all be easier that way. Good luck!

If you’re a man in America with a chronic health condition, assuming you have health insurance, here’s a tip for you: Go to the doctor. Tell him/her what’s wrong. Follow-up with any ordered tests. Odds are, that’s all you need.

I wish this were tongue-in-cheek. It is, however, sadly all too real for many of us, including myself. I’m hopefully going to finally get a diagnosis in a couple of months after being chronically ill for the better part of a decade and periodically ill before that. American healthcare sucks on every level!

(Final note: this isn’t directed at my current GP. If you’re reading this, doc, you’re great. It’s the other assholes I’ve had to deal with that suck.)